today is the day...

...that I'm supposed to be feeling happy. excited. all that stuff. people are coming over, and I'm genuinely excited to see them, but right now...I'm not feeling it. I feel tired, probably from lack of sleep this past week and then an OD of sleep yesterday/today (since I technically didn't go to bed until 12:30-ish). I feel annoyed that I have so much work to do, and no motivation to do it. besides sleep, of course, but even that kind of motivation isn't very strong.
and then there's that feeling I always write about - lonely. there's that saying about how you can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely. story of my life right there. but only my life during school. or sometimes out of school, when it involves the people who go there. but I won't talk about that, because I talk about it too much.

oh, there's another fun feeling I didn't mention - guilty. when my parents want so much for me to have a good party today and have fun and they're doing all these preparations, and all I do is sulk. and complain. God, I'm good at complaining.


well. maybe when people come I'll feel better.

question: is it totally awful that I seem to attach my own happiness to other people?
maybe that's not even what I'm doing, but it feels like it.


*sigh*
enough of this weirdness.
time to go..party. or something :)