nine eleven

I think this day was always destined for bad news. I received some tragic news today, which made me think about the news I got this past summer.

part one: 

there were/will be deaths in the family, though not my family.

The typical thing to say when you hear this is "I'm sorry."

But why? You had nothing to do with it.

I want to say "I'm sorry." In fact, I did. I noticed right after I said it that I didn't mean it. What I really meant was something along the lines of "That's horrible news..I wish you didn't have to hear that. I wish you didn't have to live with that fact for the rest of your life. I wish I could be there for you, but I really don't know how. I hope you can stay strong, because you didn't deserve to have something so sad happen to you."

But that's a mouthful for something you say in the course of about 5 seconds. (For all yalls that I'm talking to--hopefully you know who you are, and I hope you know that, even though I can't really say it to you.)

and all this talk of death brings me to part 2...

part two:

This past summer, my aunt was diagnosed with cancer. Lymphoma, from what I heard.

I don't know the details about lymphoma, but apparently it's the deadliest form of cancer. Maybe for children? or maybe for adults too? I don't know.

I feel horrible about it. Just everything. The fact that I'm having such a great life (in comparison to her's) while she has to suffer so much. And the fact that I don't seem to worry about all this. It's not something I think about 24/7. Actually, I don't even think of it until someone brings up death or disease.

This is one of the aunt's I'm closest with, and this is the way I think. I'm so freaking screwed up.

---------

People always say that death is part of life, and there's nothing more you can do except to accept it.

I hate that statement. Mostly because it's probably right, and I don't like being wrong. (God, that sounds horrible doesn't it? Very snobbish. ugh)

Knowing that people in my life are having deaths in the family has made think about it a little. I don't understand why I'm so scared of it. Of experiencing a death my own family, I mean. I like to think I'm not afraid of my own death, but just the way it'll happen--the pain I might have to go through before I reach that state. But that's a different topic.

Anyway. I don't know why I'm so afraid of a death in the family. Maybe it's because I suck at goodbyes. When my grandpa died about 6 years ago, I couldn't stop crying. The last time I saw him was maybe the summer of 3rd grade. He was always so good to me, even though I was a stupid kid and couldn't even talk to him. And I never even told him I loved him, because I didn't know how.

Does that ever happen to anyone else...not being able to tell someone that you care about them because you just don't know how?