The silent treatment is a lot more effective than I thought.
Maybe because I'm just really bad at silent treatment-ing, which is why I never feel like it works. Or maybe no one just ever cares enough to even notice when I'm silent treatment-ing them. That's depressing.
So my dad's being really asian again. I decided to be truthful and tell him that I don't think I did very well on that killer vectors test and now he's giving me the silent treatment.
I hate the silent treatment. I really would rather someone just tell me to my face that they're pissed at me. At least then I have a chance to defend myself, or make them feel bad for me. But what sucks about the silent treatment is that the guilt kind of eats at you on the inside. It just kind of sits there with no outlet and eventually it just explodes at one little poke.
Like the other day, I got a D+ on my bio test, and yeah, I get that D+s are pretty bad, but this totally wasn't a big deal for me until I remembered that I am doing SO bad in school right now. And the guilt just kind of boiled over and I started crying and couldn't stop crying.
I can't stand the fact that I identify myself based on what my parents think. I spend all my time worrying about what they see in me because I hate being a disappointment. In a way, I guess the whole bio test thing was me disappointing myself, but the guilt of not making my parents happy is a part of that too.
What is the price of happiness? Someone else's guilt?
Whatever. I'm going to go feel bad for myself some more.
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